Phewwwww, pandemic, amirite?! First post of 2020 because pandemic depression got me all paralyzed from productivity. Muscling through the day and keeping the energy at a Disney Cruise level leaves me with an empty tank at the end of the day. Being a cruise director is exhausting! Anyway, I was beating myself up like I always do at the end of the day running through all the things I should’ve done better when #TheHandful interrupted my toxic thought pattern with a life lesson, as 5 year olds do.
This is a picture of me, hours before giving birth. I was terrified. I was utterly terrified at the prospect of being a mom. I felt unqualified, I felt like I was an idiot to think I could be a mom, to think I could properly care for a child. A few pukes later, they handed her to me and the terror set in, I was absolutely convinced I was the last person in the world who deserved to be her mother. But this face right here, that is the face of a very scared person.
And then as life does, it took off at warp speed and here I am with a very funny five year old navigating a pandemic. As all of us parents are doing, we’re giving the kids way more screen time than we are comfortable with – I alternate between giving her my phone to call people and giving her an iPad for games.
She loves to scroll through my phone and go through pictures and ask about the stories behind them, or tell me about a memory she has from that particular day. This time, she stopped scrolling at that picture and asked me what was going on. I told her that was right before I gave birth and I was very scared that I wasn’t going to be a good mom. She legit laughs at this and says “That’s silly you’re an amazing mommy!” as if it was absurd to her that I would think I’d be anything less.
And I thought y’know what, she’s right. Here I have this happy kid who’s running around doing voices and characters and I’m over here beating myself up about the laundry or the fact that we didn’t do any school work today? I was so caught up in the grind I forgot to step back and really look at the situation. If she’s ok, if she’s more than ok she’s genuinely happy, then does anything else really matter? If she says I’m an amazing mom, then I’m going to try to believe her. Ask your kids how you’re doing, you’re doing better than you think!