During an especially trying week, Baby Daddy and I were barely
holding on when we both received calendar reminders for our friend’s 80’s
birthday party.  Is it still called a
jinx if you text each other at the same time instead of saying something at the
same time?  Whatever – this party gave us
something to look forward to and we clung to it like that door Rose wouldn’t
share with Jack.  The Handful is super
expensive and we weren’t planning on staying long because #sleeptraining so we
forwent purchasing costumes in favor of raiding our own closets.  In less than a minute we both had our
outfits, clearly the 80’s are alive and well over in Encino.  I held up my cell phone for a selfie check to see if I could
suck in enough to pull off a crop top – passable, let’s do this.  Meanwhile Baby Daddy Edward Scissorhands’d
his face pubes into a Burt Reynolds. Auntie Kiki arrived just in time for us to
be out the door, on schedule.  Many of
you know this already, but Baby Daddy has never heard of the term fashionably

As I mentioned before, we’re sleep training right now and
that does not bring out the best in a relationship.  So, in the car I was salty and we started
bickering.  Not a good start.  When we arrived however, my attitude was
quickly dropped when my Cool Mom radar started to smell some bullshit.  No wait, it was actual shit.  We looked around confused and then saw a
ginormous port-o-potty thing next to the entrance of the bar.  This thing smelled foul and that’s coming
from someone who spends most of her day covered in poop and drool.  And seconds later we learned from the bouncer
that while the invitation said 8:30 PM, the bar does not open until 9 PM.  A great diversion from vehicular induced
bickering is being dressed in costume on the streets of LA wafting in poo stench.  Oh, us!
This is so us of us we joked.

To the host’s credit, he was there right before 9.  He arrived in style: black car; tastefully
sized entourage; designer jacket.  As
each person exited the vehicle, a yucky nauseous feeling crept up my throat.  Not one of them was in anything CLOSE to a
costume.  Not even a hint of 80’s, not
even the stupid 80’s shit that’s in
right now.  These people looked like the
Revolve website.  I panicked to Baby
Daddy, I felt so Elle Woods like standing there in her Bunny outfit watching the Vivienes walk into the bar.  He assured me people had to be coming later
in costume and reminded me the Birthday Boy’s own Boyfriend texted us earlier
that week to discuss costumes.  As soon
as the bouncer permitted us to escape the Port-o-Potty line we headed straight
to the bar.  Fashion mistakes always look
better with wine goggles.  Or the wine numbs the shame.  Ok so like an hour in to the party we are
still the ONLY people in the entire bar in costume.  And, the only thing 80’s about the entire
place was the music.  If I never saw the
invitation and just went to the bar, I would never have said this was an 80’s
themed party.  Also, how the heck were we
the only people on the guest list who thought this was a costume party?!  I posted the invitation below for the
people’s opinion!

Now, the wine might’ve been too sweet, the poo smell a
little much and we most certainly were going to get a citation from the Fashion
Police, but there was an empty dance floor that needed some attention.  The only thing to do when dressed like an
idiot is to embrace it and move on.  I
get one night out once in a while, I can’t spend that night embarrassed in the
corner, I gotta make it count!  Also, I’m
wearing sneakers, which is the ideal shoe for practicing your Nae Nae.  Baby Daddy indulged me and watched me Whip
and Nae Nae in my leg warmers to Cindy Lauper until the clock struck
10:30.  Our Jeep was going to turn back
into a pumpkin and Auntie Kiki had debauchery to engage in, so we had to call
it a night.  We kissed our host, I
running-manned my exit, Baby Daddy walked like a human.  I saw a girl in killer Madonna gloves in the
line to come in as we walked out and our eyes locked in shared
humiliation.  Her eyeballs said “Tell me
there’s more of us” and mine said “it’s just us, you can do it!” and then she
waved to a guy behind me and I realized her eyeballs weren’t talking to mine.  Wine.

When we got to the car we just lost it with laughter.  We both pulled up our invites to really
scrutinize them and see not only why we thought it was a costume party, but why
we were clearly the ONLY people who thought that.  I’m still not sure to be honest, like it
still looks to me like a costume party invitation.  However, I know I’m so wrong because everyone
else got it right.  This whole episode
was great though because it snapped us out of the sleep-training funk we had
been in and allowed us to laugh at ourselves for something non-parent related
for once.  Can’t blame The Handful for
this in any way shape or form, this was us being us and us’ing the situation.

Since I’ve built this up, I’m posting the pictures below so
you can decide: would you have worn a costume if you received this invite?

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Costume Party for 2

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