You guys … I have a bad mom confession to make. I’ve been taking The Handful into our bed at night when she wakes up crying!!! Ahhh!! I can’t even look at the words above that I just typed, I’m so annoyed at myself.

Here’s the thing, I have nothing against people who choose to sleep with their babies – You GO, co-sleepers! It’s just that our girl has been sleep trained for 15 months. We have done the exact same bedtime routine every single night since she’s been born and she has slept in her crib since she came home from the hospital.

Until this family vacation she has been unable to sleep in anything but the crib. But something changed on this vacation. Before this trip she wouldn’t sleep in the car or on the plane, preferring to hold out for her super comfy bed. Ok cool, this made her predictable and was easy to work around.

IMG_2926She started this trip by falling asleep on her Daddy’s chest on the airplane. Later she fell asleep on me in the baby carrier while a Fetty Wap was being blasted towards us from speakers as a throng of 13 year old Cooler-than-I-was kids bobbed up and down dancing during our cousin’s Bar Mitzvah. We thought this was awesome and we bobbed at a slower pace feeling cool.

Before we left Chicago to go visit my parents in Florida, The Handful and her Gammy fell asleep briefly in a cuddle. This laid the foundation for an overnight cuddle with Mema in Florida. Which then turned into weekend long cuddles with Gammy again when we ended our trip in Laguna. So, now that we’re returned, now that we’re back in The Valley, our girl wants nothing more than to cuddle.

I love this cuddle girl.  She’s new, but I love her.  She climbs up for hugs and kisses and she curls into laps and she pets faces gently.  I’m so Beverly Goldberg but she’s delicious.

Anyway, back at home means back on the schedule.  7 pm bedtime, no negotiations.  First we tried Baby Daddy doing our normal routine. 8 wakes later at 1 AM, I took her into bed next to me and we fell asleep until 8 AM. That’s the latest she’s ever slept

Second confession … I LOVED IT. OMG you guys I hate it, but I loved sleeping with her. First of all she smells delicious and I can smell her all night. Second, there is the weirdest sense of safety being able touch her. Third, waking up next her standing in the middle of the bed demanding: WALK AROUND (which audibly sounds like a baby Christophe Waltz impression: vak avound!) is the best way to wake up.

I started to out myself in Mommy Group yesterday by tip-toe’ing into the co-sleeping mess I’ve started. However when I did, I held in the biggest component which is that I like it. Ahhh. This is a dilemma because I know for all of us it is absolutely best to be sleeping by ourselves, however right now my selfish mommy impulse wants to reach for her again tonight and it’s not even bedtime yet!

Tonight our plan is to continue with our normal routine and then when she starts asking to jump in our bed I’m going to be strong you guys …! I am!!

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