When hosting tryouts for your Mom Squad, keep the below players in mind:
11) Paparazzi Mom
Cell phone camera clicking away, full iCloud storage and many framed pictures around her house give this PMSM (Potential Mom Squad Material) away. She has and uses a selfie stick, but not for selfies, for Katheryn Bigelow style action shooting.
– Plus: will take pictures so you don’t have to; you get to be in more pictures; probably is good at taking pictures
– Not-so-Plus: blows up your newsfeed with millions of photos of her mini
– Mom Squad Potential: If you aren’t a picture taker, she could be a yin to your yang. If your baby on social media concerns you, just say upfront while she’s snapping “Thanks so much for always taking the pictures, just a heads up we’re not comfortable with Future Senator’s pictures being posted just yet, can you privately send us those pics to share instead of posting them on your social media?” Trust me she’s heard this before so she’s totally cool about other people’s social media boundaries.
Mantra: Pics or it’s not real
10) Sponsored by Instagram Mom
Cousin of Paparazzi Mom, she’s probably younger and cooler than you. She can be seen at the trendiest café with the best lighting taking artful pictures that she will post using all the same filter (for consistency with her own brand obviously). Obviously. If a brand (or several) deemed her an influencer enough to send her free stuff, she’s got something legit going on – maybe try to copy her cooler ways. I mean at the very least this chick’s nail polish is going to be on trend. When this mom starts posting or wearing lots of flash tats, that’s your cue that this is an upcoming trend. *Spoiler alert, the fact that I’m posting this means flash tats are no longer cool, do NOT run out purchase the flash tats! FLORIDA, NO!
– Plus: Knows of brands and gear in general that you don’t and can offer real person feedback on that expensive car seat she got paid to Tweet about.
– Not-so-Plus: You might feel jealous of all her swag when you start realizing how expensive some of the stuff you’re paying for and she’s posting about are, IRL. Probably speaks blogger speak fluently and might require translations for you older types.
– Mom Squad Potential: Necessity to up your cool. Find one.
Mantra: “Free stuff for my fabulous posts, yaaaaas!”
In success, this mom could be on Shark Tank with a great idea and her enviable street hustle. At her worst, she’s hocking diet pills and diarrhea detox tea via social media.
– Plus: Can hook you up with her awesome products; can champion your ideas and mentor you.
–Not-So-Plus: She may fire bomb your newsfeed with her wraps and diarrhea teas (maybe limit seeing her posts so you can avoid agitation?).
– Mom Squad Potential: Fact is, at her worst you can block her on social media, so you can’t go wrong with her on your team. She can mentor you if you come up with an idea and her hustle might inspire you to pursue your own passions.
– Mantra: Motherhood is the necessity of invention
8) Boss Mom
Relative of Momtrepreneur, this mom is a career mom. She took maternity leave because she had to and was emailing while getting the epidural. She’s got a Nanny as her consigliere and make no mistake, just because she’s working does NOT mean she’s not momming.
-Plus: Great resource for career help, usually good at multitasking and definitely very organized. Probably has back up Nannies and Babysitters for days, she’s a good woman to start your calls with when your babysitter flakes.
– Not-So-Plus: You might get jealous of her being able to go to work everyday, or you might get jealous that her career is taking off in ways you wanted yours to … Recognize that any issues with her are probably your own insecurities.
– Mom Squad Potential: I’m into working moms for my mom squad because they offer all the real-life office adult stuff that you can’t always get from other moms.
– Mantra: Maternity leave ain’t gonna break my stride!
7) Older Mom
Often due to fertility issues, this mom really had to earn her tiger stripes. Pregnancy and recovery are a lot harder for this mom as her body heals a little bit more slowly now. Because she had the baby later in life, her personal life is usually really adult. She’s great at all real adult stuff and is not fazed at all by baby spit up or the many diaper explosions that plague everyone in the early days.
– Plus: Any and all adult issues can go to her and she’ll real talk you as a bud without judgement.
– Not-So-Plus: May not be into all the social nonsense you kids get into these days
– Mom Squad Potential: Get an older Mom on the team, she adults better than you and you need that influence.
– Mantra: “I got this”
6) Fabulous Mom
Always flawless hair, never has food in her teeth and has never taken a poop in her life, what’s that, ew? You met her in high school when she effortlessly avoided the awkward phase. She has silks and pashminas and La Prairie creams. Her shower doesn’t get water spots and her sink never has toothpaste marks because, ew? Also she has never had bad breath or a pimple and she recovered from birth flawlessly and is a virgin again, because she can.
– Plus: Like Insta Sponsor, she is probably cooler than you (though decidedly more effortless than Insta Sponse). She probably has a great focus feature that you can try to emulate. Maybe she has a perfect smile, or amazing skin … ask her who she goes to and go to them, she definitely has good people.
– Not-So-Plus: Again, this one can drive you green. Maximum effort and mediocre results on my end will never be minimal effort and “woke up like …” on her end.
– Mom Squad Potential: Necessary. Get one (esp if you don’t have other versions of her like Insta Sponsor available)
– Mantra: “Woke up like…”
5) Granola Mom
Green, locally sourced, possibly vegan, drives a hybrid and makes her own baby food. Distrustful of Big Pharma, Big Grocery and corporations in general, prefers raw garlic to antibiotics and believes a pesticide free apple really can keep the doctor away.
– Plus: You will learn things about food you never knew and can pick up a few healthy recipes here and there.
– Not-So-Plus: This mom in her extreme can be an anti-vaxxer, if you encounter this type in Los Angeles, particularly on the West Side there’s a good chance she is against vaccines. Ask before you put your own child at risk.
– Mom Squad Potential: Go for it if you lean green yourself, if you’re not environmentally minded this mom will drive you bonkers.
– Mantra: “MYO is the new BYO”
(MYO = make your own)
4) Blissfully Ignorant Mom
Does not follow any of the rules you were taught starting day 1. She puts the baby to sleep on his tummy and forgets to give him baths. She has no idea what is going on ever when it comes to being a mother and yet somehow, nothing bad has happened. She challenges your ideas of what is right and what you’re supposed to do because despite all her unintentional rule breaking nothing catastrophic has happened: What do you mean you can’t give honey to a baby, my boy loves honey!
– Plus: Could get you to lighten up.
– Not-So-Plus: Will drive you bonkers with safety scares and all sorts of “near miss” accidents. Personally I can’t be around it one-on-one, I need the buffer of another mom.
– Mom Squad Potential: Neutral, don’t need her, don’t need to avoid her
– Mantra “You’re not supposed to? Oh he’s fine”
3) Judge-y Mom
She’s better than you and she’s better than everyone. They’re wrong. However anyone is doing it is not how she would do it. You’re wrong. She’s always exasperated with people and their wrongness.
– Plus: She’ll let you know who is doing what wrong, but within these judgies can be useful car seat info or gastric specialist recommendations.
– Not-So-Plus: Can make you feel like shit
– Mom Squad Potential: AVOID
– Mantra: “That’s not how I would do it …”
2) Germaphobe Mom
Won’t let her baby touch anything that has not been disinfected. She was annoying before she was pregnant, but pregnancy put her germaphobes into hyper speed. She’s got every version of anti-bac somethings in her bag and has been known to use rubber gloves when preparing a bottle. No shoes in her house and no food before washing your hands to three “Happy Birthdays” in hot water.
-Plus: Play dates at her house will give you peace of mind knowing your kid won’t be exposed to nasties
-Not-So-Plus: Babies usually slarb up everything they touch and this mom can get super annoying with the chasing of the toys to make sure they’re clean.
-Mom Squad Potential: Go for it, I never regret the wipes she has (probably because I never pack them myself!)
– Mantra: “Wash your hands!”
1) Mom Crush Mom
The Franchise Player of your team, she’s the starting point guard to your offense and the girl you build the team around. She’s a great listener, she always has spare wipes and her diaper bag is messier than yours. She has flaws and she’s not ashamed of them, she loves her baby like you love yours and your views on childhood development and preschool are in step. She’s there with coffee after a horrible night with the baby, and when that doesn’t work she’s got the Rose ready too. She’s got some cool gear laying around and some nice shoes somewhere, but you pretty much only see her in her Lulu’s.
-Plus: She’s your new BFF
– Not So Plus: sometimes I talk too much
-Mom Squad Potential: RECRUIT immediately!
– Mantra: “Did we just become best friends?!”