All these Mommy Blogs are geared at women, obviously, but
this leaves out the other half of the population almost entirely. Despite it taking two people to conceive a
child, often there aren’t changing tables in the Men’s Room for a man to change
this child. End Rant. From my vantage point, Baby Daddy and all of
our other dad friends have expressed a HUGE willingness to step in and do 50%
of the work (and more when the team
needs it) and yet often times they’re stuck pouring through information written
for women which doesn’t always apply
to them. And there’s practically nothing
written for a new uncle. An uncle who is
the baby of his family, so he has zero point of reference for the reality of
what his first visit is going to be like …
WHAT UNCLE BREAU NEEDS TO KNOW:
10) You will wash your hands immediately. I will probably follow you around with my
sani spray. That’s what’s up.
9) When we hand her to you, she won’t sit nicely in your
arms, she’s gonna do a surprisingly strong squirm. It’s nothing you can’t handle, it’s just nice
to know in advance that they don’t lay still.
8) Pretty much everything is a threat so you have to be
vigilant when you’re on guard. If she
can see it, she wants to touch it and if she can touch it she wants to grab it and
put it in her mouth. That means if she’s
on your lap at dinner, your plate, napkin and utensils are the first things
she’s grabbing at; when she’s on the ground it’ll be when you turn your head
for a second. Keep your head on a swivel
man, this is the future leader of the world we’re protecting. Have some pride in your work.
7) She has about a three minute attention span, or tolerance
for a game. This means giggles can
abruptly turn to tears without warning. Don’t
take it personally.
6) Your sister found this one useful – here’s how to stay
calm when The Handful pops off: she pretty much needs one of three things,
either a change, a bottle or a nap. If
you’ve changed and fed her and she’s still going, just put her down in her crib
and chances are that was the source of the tears.
5) She still smells like baby! Drink it in, drink it in!
4) Your lovely lady will want one after holding her, sorry,
it’s nature’s side effect to make sure we reproduce. The smell of baby literally makes you want to
have one. The cure for this is my
face. Any time she starts wanting a
baby, show her my face. Point out the
tired eyes and hormonal acne. If you
really need a cure, spend the night with us.
You won’t have that conversation for years if you sleep over.
3) She still can’t eat anything but milk. AKA frat boy, do NOT feed my baby beer. I feel like for some reason this needs to be
said since you’re still in college. I
know it’s in a few movies, and those crazy memes you kids laugh at these days
so on the record, no beer for baby.
2) Which brings me to … No brews for Breau if he’s babysitting. Sorry.
I know I promised I’d be cool, but you can have beers around her and you
guys can do keg stands and whoop it up as long as I’m around. But the second we all leave and you’re
babysitting, you’re sober.
1) You can’t keep her.
I know she’ll fit in your carry-on but she’ll also poop in there too and
you can’t bring poop back to the dorms.
Some of these might have been obvious to you since you’re a
med student, but I still feel like they need to be said out loud so we all know
what to expect. Also, while you’re the inspiration
for this piece, I also know there are a few dude buds of ours who are reading
this like “whoaaa you don’t say?!” about more than one of my points. Last point, she’s getting SUPER heavy so I
suggest lifting more weights because when she demands to be thrown in the air,
it’s her ONLY Uncle who has the guns to throw her the highest!!