For the last 400+ days my body has undergone some incredible
changes.  I went from nulligravida to
breastfeeding, and bless The Google but there is nothing that can prepare you
for these changes except some damn real talk.
Science science, yawn yawn, why is it left and right I was getting
ball-tapped with surprises?  I was afraid
of all the wrong things, had some ignorant plans for what I thought would be
and then was on my heels and reactionary to pretty much everything else.  Also, the baby is so all consuming that your
needs just become secondary, they just do. I’ve never seen a friend or relative pregnant, so I’m going
through this flying blind, for all of us.  Let me be everyone’s big sister and warn you
about the realness lurking (possibly) in your future.

10 Things I’ve Told My Own Sister About Going Through
Metamorphasis:

10) Just because the baby is out, does NOT mean your tummy
goes flat.  Actually, building on that,
those waist trainers are kinda bogus and gave me a stomach ache after more than
15 minutes in one.  Next time around I’m
skipping that.  Also, there’s nothing you
can do but breastfeed to accelerate the tummy going down so just resign
yourself to fluffiness for a few weeks.
Also again though, you’re not going anywhere so calm down.

9) I can’t prepare you for the exhaustion.  Sorry.
This will suck.  Actually, I’ll
babysit and come bail you out when I can because I know what it’s like, but
aside from taking your gremlins for a bit, there’s just nothing that can be
done for the exhaustion.  Learn to smile
through it, it’s better for everyone.  As
I snarl here typing this because Baby Daddy dared to leave the seat up in the
guest bathroom, I’m reminding myself to smile because that’s the Exhaustion
Demon talking, a rational person won’t be mad.
Yeah right, I friggin took a pic and sent it to him with an angry
emoji.  Exhaustion is ugly and it can get
the best of you, just know this, take it into account and remember the first
year is the hardest and I’ve never heard that disputed.

8) Your period will come back outta nowhere!  That was one no one warned me about, I’m not
sure why I thought I had a year of freedom, but ummmm you might not so,  you’re warned.  Diaper up.

7) Speaking of diapers, always have diapers.  Have baby diapers, have adult diapers.  Stash them everywhere.  I’ve never regretted the random convenience
of a surprise spare in a time of need, but what I have regretted is stained car
seats and needing to sprint in public to a place of hiding.  Just keep them in bags and drawers and
pockets and vehicles.  Mom always says
“I’d rather be lookin’ at it than lookin’ for it”  and she is a wise woman.  Listen to her on this and substitute “diaper” for “it”.

6) Your bones are gonna be all wonky for a bit.  First, while you custom create your future
silver medalist (The Handful will have won the gold, obviously) your body is
juiced up on this elastin stuff that lets your hips spring out to birth a
champion.  So when the human arrives, this
stuff kinda stays in your body for a bit and then your joints gotta start to find their way
back home … however, I’m 4 months out and my hips are killing me all the time
and my pants still don’t fit so that takes a bit to heal up.

5) Weight: my final weigh in at Cedars was 162 (which was a
40+ lb weight gain and something they always bitched about during my OB
appointments prenatal).  At my six week
check up, I weighed in at 144 or 142.
That was with no exercise just me recovering on my own pace and Momming
around.  Ok so that’s cool I like that so
far, 20 lb loss doing nothing.  Ok but
last weekend, I weighed myself at my parents house and that was 19 weeks post
partum.  SISTAH I was 137!  And that was with daily workouts.  I seriously workout every single day AND I
even play full court basketball once (sometimes twice) a week.  So that.
Just adjust your standards on what you think you should weigh though
because I think I look great, and that’s always been my standard, but I get
that it can be shocking to see high numbers on the scale.  I’m 5’2 for anyone wanting to science science
those numbers.  Oh off the weight – sizes, I was in pregnancy clothes until about 10 weeks, then I was a size 12 and currently am a size 8 (again out 20 weeks now).

4) Your hair will fall out.
It’s gross and everywhere.  Get a
vacuum.

3) You and the daddy will probably taste the breast
milk.  Even if it grosses you out, at
some point (most likely on the sooner side because you’re the most nervous)
there will be a temperature concern or a freshness concern and you’ll have to
taste it.  Similarly you’ll taste the
formula.  If you’re doing both, you’ll
see why they prefer the milk at first because it’s sweeter.

2) Half the gear you bought or were gifted is gonna not work
for your kid.  Try not to rush out and
get new gear because seriously each week there’s something else you’re going to
need anyway so the phase you’re in won’t last long enough to warrant a new
purchase.  

1) And on that note, half the plans you made before your
Sleep Deprivation Officer arrived will be out the window before you leave the
hospital.  As I say to Baby Daddy nearly
daily “we have to adjust”.  Back up your
back up, and back that up.  Approach each
day with a plan for your plans to fail and you can avoid 10% of the potential
chaos coming your way.  Also, once you’re
on Plan B there’s a mandatory stop and laugh time out because you need to keep
it light to keep it right.

There you have it sisters, advice from the oldest in this
family to all of you from the frontlines of biology and the trenches of
motherhood.  

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10 Things I’ve Told My Own Sister About Going Through Metamorphasis

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